Some people drink it, some smoke it, and some gamble it. Others hide it, ignore it, or argue it out. Let me give you a few scenarios...
After a traumatic accident, Jennifer shut down. She became quieter and more reserved, and she turned to smoking as a coping mechanism. What she didn’t do was properly feel or seek help around the impact of the trauma.
Or how about Michael? When one of Michael’s closest friends died, Michael pushed his feelings aside thinking ‘I’ll be right’. He thought he didn't need to attend to his feelings, but really, he was afraid of grieving as he didn’t know how it would feel. Michael soldiered on but so did his gambling habit.
Finally, we have Christian. Instead of taking ownership of his feelings and poor self-esteem, Christian uses aggression to deflect feelings that have never been dealt with.
In each of these examples, the healthier choice would be to learn how to 'feel it' rather than smoke it, gamble it, or argue it! Of course, the ‘it’ that I’m talking about is the emotion that comes out of our life experiences.
While feeling ‘it’ is rarely the easier choice, it is the healthier choice – Hilary Hendel from TIME states:
"That denying, ignoring, or putting feelings aside can make these emotions more intense".
Some of the typical reasons people hide/mask feelings are:
To avoid showing ‘weakness’
Showing emotion can put you in a vulnerable place; it’s normal to want to avoid exposing vulnerabilities to others.
To avoid getting hurt
People often hide emotions to protect their relationships or avoid conflict.
A lack of confidence
If you grow up receiving the message that your opinions and feelings don’t matter, you’ll likely learn to hide your feelings from an early age.
On the surface, these might sound like valid reasons, but by not allowing yourself to feel and express emotion you risk:
Your negative feelings becoming more intense.
Your unexpressed emotions having a negative impact on your communication, leading to conflict with people we care about
A build-up of stress in your body.
Ann Pietrangelo from healthline says that:
"Unaddressed stress tends to linger in the body"
Where it can contribute to diabetes, sleep issues, high blood pressure, or even heart problems.
In my work, I support people who want to uncover or explore reasons for their emotional suppression. I help them understand how they can get in touch with these feelings and develop strategies to manage their emotions going forward. This may include working through what is going on in their head and how they can acknowledge who they are, why they are how they are, and what experiences have shaped them.
It can take time and effort to learn to share feelings openly, so the first thing I do when I meet with people is to encourage them to give themselves a pat on the back for taking the first step. They have reached out and are feeling it!
If you’d like to get more comfortable with feeling, here are a few things that might help.
1. Practising mindfulness
Try taking a deep breath and saying to yourself I am feeling really angry, I am feeling really sad. Sit with that emotion in the moment.
2. Sharing your feelings honestly
There are ways to share feelings, even negative ones, without being inappropriate. You can practice emotional communication by opening up to loved ones and others you trust. Try using ‘I’ statements to bring up feelings respectfully.
3. Talking to someone you trust
Opening up and sharing with someone your trust is a great way to start lightening the load.
4. Keeping a journal
A journal is for you and you only, so let loose and get your feelings onto the page.
5. Reaching out to a therapist/counsellor
If you have let emotions build up for a long time. It will be important to learn what helps you when you get certain big emotions.
Understandably we don't share every little thought and feeling with other people, but if you have strong feelings of anger, sadness, guilt, regret, or depression, I encourage you to not let these build up. Take a first step and chat with someone you trust. Just by talking, you take some of the load away from yourself. It can make a big difference in how you enjoy life.
If you'd like to speak to a professional, I provide a host of Counselling services that can help you: